Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
