I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
