Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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