I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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