Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Randomize
