Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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