Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
