remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
