my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
