do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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