the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
