I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
