At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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