apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Someone came in the potted fern
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
