i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My liver just had a heart attack.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
