I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?