I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
