how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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