Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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