Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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