Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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