How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
