I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
