went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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