Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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