is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
farters have to be the big spoon...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
