my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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