Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
