You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Randomize
