While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
