hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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