I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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