Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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