maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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