On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
