just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
