Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
