you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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