Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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