oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
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and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
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this hospital has no fireball
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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