I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
