all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
