So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My balls are so social today.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
