Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
