It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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