Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My feet surprised me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
