walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
She's like a pop up book from hell.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
