I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
