Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
