remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
