Don't make out with my wife yet
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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