You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
