Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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