If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Duck Duck Cougar?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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