Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
