3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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