There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
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Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
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You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.