put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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